missing my baby

i cannot believe that it has been 4 years since i lost my preston.  for those who don't know the story, the short version is that carter was an identical twin and we lost his brother, preston, after surgery to separate their blood vessels in the placenta at about 19 1/2 weeks.  i miss him every day and i never even got to hold him.  i still remember the moment when all of the sudden i couldn't breathe and had what the hospital said was a panic attack.  but after hearing the news the next morning that his heartbeat was gone, i am confident that it was actually my body's reaction to losing him.  i still feel like i can't breathe every time i think of it.  although it would have been difficult having twins, i would have done anything in my power to keep him.  in the end we did the only thing we could have done in order to keep either one of them.  preston made the ultimate sacrifice, allowing carter to live.  i look forward to the day when i will see him and finally be able to hold my baby.  mommy loves you and misses you always, my sweet boy.